Over the years I’ve said some boneheaded things in the name of comedy. Some got some great laughs, others some time alone to think about what I’ve done. Against my better judgment, I’m going to share a few of them with the world, or at least the 3-4 people that read this blog.

1. “Just because you want to be monogamous doesn’t mean I have to be.” Yah, don’t bother pointing out that the definition of monogamous could be used to describe a single person. It won’t work.

2. Her: “We can visit the place Henry VIII killed his wives.” Me: “Yah! Maybe we can re-enact it!” No sense of history these women.

3. “Sorry, I can’t do the laundry, my penis gets in the way.” She was too dumbfounded that I’d actually said this to reply with the obvious “We can fix that…”.

4. “Hope you have that baby soon. It’s making you retarded.” She totally agreed with this one.

5. “I’d like to sleep with that girl. It’s so you don’t have to! I’m doing it for you…” Some women don’t appreciate the sacrifices we’re willing to make for them!

6. “Money Money Money. I don’t see how you can worry so much about something we have none of.” This one just keeps on giving too, cause we never have any money.

So there you have it. If for some reason you find yourself in a perfectly good relationship with your wife/girlfriend, feel free to use some of these to resolve it.